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C.S. Lewis:

“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

” I can be smack in the center of God’s plan for my life and experience His love in the midst of dark, hard, confusing, and seemingly hopeless circumstances.” ~ Danielle Jones.

Thank you God, you always know just what I need when I need it.  AHHH! how refreshing to know that there TRULY is a Purpose for everything that we experience in life.  We will never know all the why’s because we are not supposed to.  God doesn’t always reveal the why’s to us, & I think that is also for a much bigger Purpose.  Life can be hard, cold, rigid, dark, lonely,  & sometimes Life can feel almost to much to bear…..I wonder if my sweet cousin just couldn’t hold on anymore and that’s why she committed suicide just over 1 month ago.  Her son is my age and our birthdays are  2 days apart.  Oh how I wish I could have been there for her, how I wish she would have clung to the Good Lord even harder.  But…I don’t or anyone else knows what she was thinking, how she felt, or  how strong her faith was.  Society is quick to judge people who commit suicide, I have been a judger myself…My thoughts have changed now, yes I do not think it is what God wants us to do but I do KNOW that GOD SAYS DO NOT JUDGE.

I know she had been going thru many  tough YEARS with her husband and my cousin, her son. She had been raising Josh’s child ever since birth,  who is 11 now.  Oh bless that baby!  What is that child thinking?  She was his rock, his “mama”, his safe haven from this nasty cruel corrupted world.  Why would she leave her grandbaby?????? So many questions.   I do know that it had to be something so terribly bad she thought there was no other way.  She had depression just like me and I know the feeling of “I really am about to lose my marbles”.  And I don’t mean in a motherly “Im about to lose it”, I mean the kind of “Lose it” that is chemically imbalanced in ones brain, something we have NO control over at times.    Unexplained feelings of sadness, anger, doom, darkness gets so exhausting after awhile.

One of my biggest fears is being alone with my own thoughts.  Thoughts that are like dark clouds stealing every moment of every Blessed day that the Lord blesses me with.  Depression is so misunderstood therefore those of us suffering from this Disease are so misunderstood too.   I know the feeling all to well of “I just cant do it anymore”.  I have felt like I was literally suffocating and hands were squeezing my neck, like I was drowning.

But, by the Grace of God I am still here.  Even after all the times of sobbing in an indescribable pain of anguish begging “God please bring me home, I can’t live this life of mine anymore, I’m beat emotionally, mentally, & physically”.

And you know what? WE CAN’T live this life on our own, we NEED the good Lord’s strength, love, & patience.  I know.  I have possibly tried to live my life every kind of way but God’s way and I am a true witness that trying to live life YOUR own way will never work.  It’s part of God’s plan,  we need His Almighty and Gracious help every step of the way….

So when you think you can’t keep on keeping on, ask God to reside in your heart so that He may strengthen you with HIS strength.  Prayers are amazing, exciting, our life line to Heaven, especially when you start seeing them answered

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