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     A broken life is a test of Faith of the Highest order”.     ~Anonymous

I have cried out many of times for the pain of my brokenness to stop, that I just couldn’t do it anymore.  Each time I had 3 choices, numb the pain (again), pull the trigger/drive off the bridge, Or allow myself to face my pain, fears, & devastation of all that confronted me.  My choice always, was to be NUMB.. “I’ll deal later”.   Now 12 years laters, I feel every single pain, fear, & the full devastation that I so tried to rid myself of, finally realizing that My Soul is sick.  Stomach ulcers from all the pills, and a body that feels plagued by the Flu every. single. day.  What is exactly going on inside of me, doctors do not seem to know.   To often society as well as the health system, seem so quickly to judge a persons symptoms.  HELLO! Sorry, don’t care how many years of “Experience” you may have, YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW I FEEL!!!  How petty to tell a single 28 yr. old mother of a toddler that the pain is all in “her head”.   Can you say DISMISSED!, Misunderstood! & Alone!! 

Yet  I have come to see with great clarity God‘s Unfailing love over this past stormy year.  Jesus has become my biggest fan, closest companion, & my greatest comfort.   And even though the devil of Fear creeps its way into my thoughts more often than not, I cling to Jesus and the thoughts and worries seem to fade. 

It saddens me to know I let so much of myself go to others that only abused my heart.  So much that I feel like a little girl starting over again in a BIG, Scary world, confused & distraught.  Thru tear filled eyes I finally surrender… I close my eyes and pray for Jesus to hold my hand a little tighter, & draw me closer so that I may feel His Presence all around me.  And each time, like a child, I fall asleep in peace in my Father’s arms….

When your life is going downhill, 

it doesn’t get better just because you want it to.

Nor can you will it to be better.

Your life will only get better when YOU get Better.

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