Don’t know how I got here, how to stay, or where I am going….Like a clock ticks 1 second at a time, my thoughts, emotions consume me…Suffocate me. So distraught from discerning the Holy Spirit from my own thoughts. Must remember that feelings of this kind of emotion DO NOT COME FROM GOD!I don’t want to dwell on these feelings but they must come out. I feel so overwhelmed with all kinds of Emotions sometimes that it feels I can barely breathe. Is this an affliction? A Spiritual Warfare? “Just keep moving Farrah, you will eventually get to where you belong.” Moods like crazy rollercoasters, depression literally runs my life. All because I Let It. I just don’t know how to ignore & be joyful. I truly don’t, so I submerse myself in books and God’s unfailing love and promises. And as another day passes, I realize that because of HIS strength, grace, patience, mercy, comfort & love I have yet made it through another day. Though I still failed at times, thought I felt so weary & worn I could have cried, I made it through another day. Because of My Heavenly Father’s amazing grace & love I drift off to a much needed sleep.
Like a unending rollercoaster, emotions, moods, thoughts, LIES, consume my day. Oh how many Blessed days from the Lord I have wasted. I must pray for forgiveness when I feel that I, AGAIN, have wasted another BLESSED DAY that the LORD has given not only me but my Child.
Then it washes over me like cool spring water “You, do NOT have to be Perfect”. “Quit trying to do everything yourself”.
But how? I love the Lord My GOD with all of my being but I am still a sinner. Every. Day. And guilt weighs me down, shadows the light that is Me, so that I can’t ever seem to shine. My mind always seems blank on ways to set the bags down, worry has always been a very close friend. And to let it go? Like a snap of a finger? My thoughts are like nightmares during the day, then come the nightmares at night.
Emotions so strong I feel that they are suffocating me. Fear, worry, uneasiness consumes my days. Always have.
Yet, the fear isn’t as strong, the worry doesn’t linger as long, and the uneasiness seems to slip away just as fast as it slips in. GLORY BE TO GOD!!! For it is because of HIS marvelous Grace that I am beginning to deal a little better each day with these agonizing emotions.
♥Thank you Father, for your love, mercy & Saving Grace♥
Dear Father in heaven,
I come before you weary and beat down by this long day. Being a mother can be so hard. I often feel helpless and inadequate. Part of me wants to complain, but then I remember the extent to which you were beat down, and I’m struck quiet. I remember that you are the Man of Sorrows and that you understand just how hard life can be. I also remember that you collect all my tears and care about my troubles, trials, and fears.
The Book of Hebrews tells me I can come to you in confidence and find the grace and mercy I need. And so I come to you now to lay all these burdens at your feet. I feel so overwhelmed by the details of life. It seems like I can never get ahead. Just when I clean up one mess, another one pops up somewhere else. Some days I wonder if I’m really cut out for motherhood.
I know I failed to glorify you today. I failed to love as you love me. I failed to extend the grace you’ve given me. Forgive me for striving in my own strength. Forgive me for not finding my complete satisfaction in you and seeking it elsewhere. Each of these failures reminds me of just how much I need a Savior. Today reminds me that I need Jesus more than I did yesterday and that tomorrow I will need him even more.
I’m so thankful that there is so much of you to give. You’re never tired or weary. Even while I sleep, you remain at work. Nothing happens outside your knowledge and will. You’re never stretched beyond what you can handle. And the well of your grace never runs dry.
Because of what Jesus did for me, I ask that you create in me a clean heart. Renew a refreshed spirit within me. Give me gospel strength to get through the day. Open my eyes so that I see your hand at work in the mess of my life. Be my constant in my fluctuating emotions. Keep the gospel ever before me and make it a reality in my daily life as a mother.
I pray that tomorrow you would be with me in all the muck and mire of motherhood. Help me to find my joy in you and not in my circumstances. May I remember that even when it feels otherwise, you are always with me, will never leave me, or forsake me. Tonight I’ll sleep in peace knowing that even when I lose my grip, you never let go of me. And I’ll open my eyes in the morning to find mercy, fresh and new, ready for the taking.
It’s because of Jesus and in Jesus’ name that I pray, amen.
**Originally written by Cristina Fox @ The Gospel Coalition
A broken life is a test of Faith of the Highest order”. ~Anonymous
I have cried out many of times for the pain of my brokenness to stop, that I just couldn’t do it anymore. Each time I had 3 choices, numb the pain (again), pull the trigger/drive off the bridge, Or allow myself to face my pain, fears, & devastation of all that confronted me. My choice always, was to be NUMB.. “I’ll deal later”. Now 12 years laters, I feel every single pain, fear, & the full devastation that I so tried to rid myself of, finally realizing that My Soul is sick. Stomach ulcers from all the pills, and a body that feels plagued by the Flu every. single. day. What is exactly going on inside of me, doctors do not seem to know. To often society as well as the health system, seem so quickly to judge a persons symptoms. HELLO! Sorry, don’t care how many years of “Experience” you may have, YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW I FEEL!!! How petty to tell a single 28 yr. old mother of a toddler that the pain is all in “her head”. Can you say DISMISSED!, Misunderstood! & Alone!!
Yet I have come to see with great clarity God‘s Unfailing love over this past stormy year. Jesus has become my biggest fan, closest companion, & my greatest comfort. And even though the devil of Fear creeps its way into my thoughts more often than not, I cling to Jesus and the thoughts and worries seem to fade.
It saddens me to know I let so much of myself go to others that only abused my heart. So much that I feel like a little girl starting over again in a BIG, Scary world, confused & distraught. Thru tear filled eyes I finally surrender… I close my eyes and pray for Jesus to hold my hand a little tighter, & draw me closer so that I may feel His Presence all around me. And each time, like a child, I fall asleep in peace in my Father’s arms….
When your life is going downhill,
it doesn’t get better just because you want it to.
Nor can you will it to be better.
Your life will only get better when YOU get Better.
I will be the first to admit. People can reeeeally get on my nerve. I feel certain I had to get hit by every branch of the anxiety tree & I have only 1 nerve remaining. I’ve always been on edge, like nails on the chalkboard, everyday. But lately in this quiet season that God has placed in my life, I am trying to give out more smiles. Hey if people insist on staring at my “wild” curly hair, then the least I can do is Knock Em’ off their feet with a ;). As I think about the last few times I have been out & about, it almost seems that more people are smiling at me. I CHOOSE 2 BELIEVE that God sends me “little gifts” of His comfort & reassurance that He is with me every single day. With eyes of better clarity, ears that listen & pay closer attention, & a more quiet tongue, He comes to me in all forms. I submerge myself in His promises, reading is my addiction. Lost in a song is my escape.
My faith just got misplaced because we all make mistakes….You see, I am still me. Still curse when I shouldn’t, & yes I want Another tattoo. I am still a sinner BUT now see with more Clarity, hear with better Discernment, & listen with a more quiet attention.
God will not rush your healing.
And God will not rush your growth.
God is okay with where you are right now. He’s not tapping his toe impatiently. He’s not looking at his watch with a sigh.
Like a breath of fresh sea morning air, God reminds me that He sees Our POTENTIAL, our future. As long as I keep chugging along, Clinging to HIM for my comfort, it doesn’t matter that I am still a sinner, still failing every single day. Sigh….Just as He promised God so graciously gives me a little more courage, little more of His strength & kind patience each day. Music fills my thoughts these days instead of torment, I can hear each one so clear, & each one is one of my favorites & each has a message, a sweet riddle from my Heavenly Father. Securing me with an everlasting comfort & peace that HE IS dwelling within my soul… And each day He reveals more of His Mosaic that He is creating from all of the broken pieces that have become ME….
He has made everything beautiful in its time. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
I pray “Lord use me, use my scarred worn weary soul to help others that are hurting”. No I don’t think I have it all figured out, not even close, but lately a sense of “What would JESUS Do?” has come over me, during this very stormy season in my life. Oh I wish people would realize how 1 single word can RIP away at a soul. Abandonment is my #1 enemy, Fear has always been an ever present UNWANTED friend of mine. Thankfully I had a wonderful woman, my great grandmother, that introduced me to my Greatest and Best Friend today, Jesus. 13 years later after her passing, I still miss laying my head on her right arm during church service, too little to understand that she was giving me a very Important SPECIAL GIFT every time I sat on that same pew with her. Every time I asked my great grandfather to read me the story of how Jesus fed thousands with a loaf of bread and a piece of fish, he always obliged. Papa was a quiet man, passing away when I was only 7 years old & the very thing that I remember most about him, he was Always willing to read me that story, it was my favorite. And it was Papa that introduced that story in the Bible to me. I miss them so, I was their little sunshine. First great grandchild, motherless yet It was those days that I felt most loved. For I didn’t really realize at that age that there was ultimately something very different about my life. I was always anxious though, and felt deep within a longing for something, someone….So today I am so very thankful I grew up knowing who Jesus is. Even though I would go on to follow some rough roads, I always remembered Jesus and usually almost always felt a feeling of conviction EVERY SINGLE TIME I knew I was sinning. Oh the times I have strayed from my Father, only to be welcomed with OPEN GRACIOUS LOVING ARMS EVERY SINGLE TIME I came running back with each rock bottom I hit.
Yes GOD is GOOD..ALL THE TIME!!!! Even thru this tornado I have seemed to battle for 6 months, even though I still fail every single day, He loves me. Most of all though, God loves me when I cant seem to love myself.
“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
” I can be smack in the center of God’s plan for my life and experience His love in the midst of dark, hard, confusing, and seemingly hopeless circumstances.” ~ Danielle Jones.
Thank you God, you always know just what I need when I need it. AHHH! how refreshing to know that there TRULY is a Purpose for everything that we experience in life. We will never know all the why’s because we are not supposed to. God doesn’t always reveal the why’s to us, & I think that is also for a much bigger Purpose. Life can be hard, cold, rigid, dark, lonely, & sometimes Life can feel almost to much to bear…..I wonder if my sweet cousin just couldn’t hold on anymore and that’s why she committed suicide just over 1 month ago. Her son is my age and our birthdays are 2 days apart. Oh how I wish I could have been there for her, how I wish she would have clung to the Good Lord even harder. But…I don’t or anyone else knows what she was thinking, how she felt, or how strong her faith was. Society is quick to judge people who commit suicide, I have been a judger myself…My thoughts have changed now, yes I do not think it is what God wants us to do but I do KNOW that GOD SAYS DO NOT JUDGE.
I know she had been going thru many tough YEARS with her husband and my cousin, her son. She had been raising Josh’s child ever since birth, who is 11 now. Oh bless that baby! What is that child thinking? She was his rock, his “mama”, his safe haven from this nasty cruel corrupted world. Why would she leave her grandbaby?????? So many questions. I do know that it had to be something so terribly bad she thought there was no other way. She had depression just like me and I know the feeling of “I really am about to lose my marbles”. And I don’t mean in a motherly “Im about to lose it”, I mean the kind of “Lose it” that is chemically imbalanced in ones brain, something we have NO control over at times. Unexplained feelings of sadness, anger, doom, darkness gets so exhausting after awhile.
One of my biggest fears is being alone with my own thoughts. Thoughts that are like dark clouds stealing every moment of every Blessed day that the Lord blesses me with. Depression is so misunderstood therefore those of us suffering from this Disease are so misunderstood too. I know the feeling all to well of “I just cant do it anymore”. I have felt like I was literally suffocating and hands were squeezing my neck, like I was drowning.
But, by the Grace of God I am still here. Even after all the times of sobbing in an indescribable pain of anguish begging “God please bring me home, I can’t live this life of mine anymore, I’m beat emotionally, mentally, & physically”.
And you know what? WE CAN’T live this life on our own, we NEED the good Lord’s strength, love, & patience. I know. I have possibly tried to live my life every kind of way but God’s way and I am a true witness that trying to live life YOUR own way will never work. It’s part of God’s plan, we need His Almighty and Gracious help every step of the way….
So when you think you can’t keep on keeping on, ask God to reside in your heart so that He may strengthen you with HIS strength. Prayers are amazing, exciting, our life line to Heaven, especially when you start seeing them answered
All I want is a little window of your time, a priority in your day. Feeling like an ignored overlooked doormat is making me crazy and CLEARLY wasting my time. Yet I hear Be Still, Love him more, in the quietness that is my soul. I am moment to moment living in a tornado yet you think the day is beautiful….
Give give give give…I’m tired, I’m sick, I’m so so tired….Don’t you see it? EVER?? Don’t you see that you are wearing me thin yet you are living like a King, boasted about among others, and unconditionally loved that I am beginning to think you don’t even know what unconditional love means. I say I’m over it yet I stay….Ohhh I love you so much it hurts. When will anything ever be about me? Will I ever be a Priority to someone? It hurts, BAD. You have no clue even though I’ve told you 73 times how I feel. I blabber through words fore they have always been my closest companion. But it would be nice to talk to you. Where did you go Who have you become? when will man realize that $$$$$$ is not what LIFE IS ABOUT! So damn frustrated, so unnecessary
I hear so much about Fatherless sons/daughters. But what about Motherless daughters? This may sound cliché’ but there is significance behind my love for Marilyn Monroe. I understand her feelings of loneliness, anxiety ridden, so misunderstood…Most will say she was a sex symbol because she was a loose woman. I disagree, I see a Motherless daughter who wanted to be LOVED. Not for her body but for the Real Norma Jean Baker (M.M.) I tend to believe dreaming is better than thinking sometimes, as did she. Mental Illness can make you feel so isolated so alienated from Earth because it is such a misunderstood epidemic. Anyway, I am 29 years old and I feel like a little girl. Feel like I cant make decisions right or confidently, feel like I am not worthy but deep down I know I deserve more…No sense I know. I feel like I don’t know how to figure out who I am. When you are tore down and names are thrown at you by people that are supposed to be your biggest fan, its hard to shake off. It debilitates you, stresses you so that you become physically sick. So I cling harder and closer to Jesus. For He is my only TRUE friend.