Don’t know how I got here, how to stay, or where I am going….Like a clock ticks 1 second at a time, my thoughts, emotions consume me…Suffocate me. So distraught from discerning the Holy Spirit from my own thoughts. Must remember that feelings of this kind of emotion DO NOT COME FROM GOD!I don’t want to dwell on these feelings but they must come out. I feel so overwhelmed with all kinds of Emotions sometimes that it feels I can barely breathe. Is this an affliction? A Spiritual Warfare? “Just keep moving Farrah, you will eventually get to where you belong.” Moods like crazy rollercoasters, depression literally runs my life. All because I Let It. I just don’t know how to ignore & be joyful. I truly don’t, so I submerse myself in books and God’s unfailing love and promises. And as another day passes, I realize that because of HIS strength, grace, patience, mercy, comfort & love I have yet made it through another day. Though I still failed at times, thought I felt so weary & worn I could have cried, I made it through another day. Because of My Heavenly Father’s amazing grace & love I drift off to a much needed sleep.
A broken life is a test of Faith of the Highest order”. ~Anonymous
I have cried out many of times for the pain of my brokenness to stop, that I just couldn’t do it anymore. Each time I had 3 choices, numb the pain (again), pull the trigger/drive off the bridge, Or allow myself to face my pain, fears, & devastation of all that confronted me. My choice always, was to be NUMB.. “I’ll deal later”. Now 12 years laters, I feel every single pain, fear, & the full devastation that I so tried to rid myself of, finally realizing that My Soul is sick. Stomach ulcers from all the pills, and a body that feels plagued by the Flu every. single. day. What is exactly going on inside of me, doctors do not seem to know. To often society as well as the health system, seem so quickly to judge a persons symptoms. HELLO! Sorry, don’t care how many years of “Experience” you may have, YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW I FEEL!!! How petty to tell a single 28 yr. old mother of a toddler that the pain is all in “her head”. Can you say DISMISSED!, Misunderstood! & Alone!!
Yet I have come to see with great clarity God‘s Unfailing love over this past stormy year. Jesus has become my biggest fan, closest companion, & my greatest comfort. And even though the devil of Fear creeps its way into my thoughts more often than not, I cling to Jesus and the thoughts and worries seem to fade.
It saddens me to know I let so much of myself go to others that only abused my heart. So much that I feel like a little girl starting over again in a BIG, Scary world, confused & distraught. Thru tear filled eyes I finally surrender… I close my eyes and pray for Jesus to hold my hand a little tighter, & draw me closer so that I may feel His Presence all around me. And each time, like a child, I fall asleep in peace in my Father’s arms….
When your life is going downhill,
it doesn’t get better just because you want it to.
Nor can you will it to be better.
Your life will only get better when YOU get Better.
I pray “Lord use me, use my scarred worn weary soul to help others that are hurting”. No I don’t think I have it all figured out, not even close, but lately a sense of “What would JESUS Do?” has come over me, during this very stormy season in my life. Oh I wish people would realize how 1 single word can RIP away at a soul. Abandonment is my #1 enemy, Fear has always been an ever present UNWANTED friend of mine. Thankfully I had a wonderful woman, my great grandmother, that introduced me to my Greatest and Best Friend today, Jesus. 13 years later after her passing, I still miss laying my head on her right arm during church service, too little to understand that she was giving me a very Important SPECIAL GIFT every time I sat on that same pew with her. Every time I asked my great grandfather to read me the story of how Jesus fed thousands with a loaf of bread and a piece of fish, he always obliged. Papa was a quiet man, passing away when I was only 7 years old & the very thing that I remember most about him, he was Always willing to read me that story, it was my favorite. And it was Papa that introduced that story in the Bible to me. I miss them so, I was their little sunshine. First great grandchild, motherless yet It was those days that I felt most loved. For I didn’t really realize at that age that there was ultimately something very different about my life. I was always anxious though, and felt deep within a longing for something, someone….So today I am so very thankful I grew up knowing who Jesus is. Even though I would go on to follow some rough roads, I always remembered Jesus and usually almost always felt a feeling of conviction EVERY SINGLE TIME I knew I was sinning. Oh the times I have strayed from my Father, only to be welcomed with OPEN GRACIOUS LOVING ARMS EVERY SINGLE TIME I came running back with each rock bottom I hit.
Yes GOD is GOOD..ALL THE TIME!!!! Even thru this tornado I have seemed to battle for 6 months, even though I still fail every single day, He loves me. Most of all though, God loves me when I cant seem to love myself.