Don’t know how I got here, how to stay, or where I am going….Like a clock ticks 1 second at a time, my thoughts, emotions consume me…Suffocate me. So distraught from discerning the Holy Spirit from my own thoughts. Must remember that feelings of this kind of emotion DO NOT COME FROM GOD!I don’t want to dwell on these feelings but they must come out. I feel so overwhelmed with all kinds of Emotions sometimes that it feels I can barely breathe. Is this an affliction? A Spiritual Warfare? “Just keep moving Farrah, you will eventually get to where you belong.” Moods like crazy rollercoasters, depression literally runs my life. All because I Let It. I just don’t know how to ignore & be joyful. I truly don’t, so I submerse myself in books and God’s unfailing love and promises. And as another day passes, I realize that because of HIS strength, grace, patience, mercy, comfort & love I have yet made it through another day. Though I still failed at times, thought I felt so weary & worn I could have cried, I made it through another day. Because of My Heavenly Father’s amazing grace & love I drift off to a much needed sleep.
A broken life is a test of Faith of the Highest order”. ~Anonymous
I have cried out many of times for the pain of my brokenness to stop, that I just couldn’t do it anymore. Each time I had 3 choices, numb the pain (again), pull the trigger/drive off the bridge, Or allow myself to face my pain, fears, & devastation of all that confronted me. My choice always, was to be NUMB.. “I’ll deal later”. Now 12 years laters, I feel every single pain, fear, & the full devastation that I so tried to rid myself of, finally realizing that My Soul is sick. Stomach ulcers from all the pills, and a body that feels plagued by the Flu every. single. day. What is exactly going on inside of me, doctors do not seem to know. To often society as well as the health system, seem so quickly to judge a persons symptoms. HELLO! Sorry, don’t care how many years of “Experience” you may have, YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW I FEEL!!! How petty to tell a single 28 yr. old mother of a toddler that the pain is all in “her head”. Can you say DISMISSED!, Misunderstood! & Alone!!
Yet I have come to see with great clarity God‘s Unfailing love over this past stormy year. Jesus has become my biggest fan, closest companion, & my greatest comfort. And even though the devil of Fear creeps its way into my thoughts more often than not, I cling to Jesus and the thoughts and worries seem to fade.
It saddens me to know I let so much of myself go to others that only abused my heart. So much that I feel like a little girl starting over again in a BIG, Scary world, confused & distraught. Thru tear filled eyes I finally surrender… I close my eyes and pray for Jesus to hold my hand a little tighter, & draw me closer so that I may feel His Presence all around me. And each time, like a child, I fall asleep in peace in my Father’s arms….
When your life is going downhill,
it doesn’t get better just because you want it to.
Nor can you will it to be better.
Your life will only get better when YOU get Better.
“The Light of God surrounds me,
the Love of God enfolds me,
the Power of God protects me,
the Presence of God watches over me.
Right where I am, God Is
And so it is” ~ Anonymous
In the midst of your most difficult and challenging experience, remember – you are growing. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time to examine, question, and explore the principles at work and the emotions you are experiencing. Give yourself permission to fall, to get up and to do better next time. ~Iyanla Vanzant
God will not rush your healing.
And God will not rush your growth.
God is okay with where you are right now. He’s not tapping his toe impatiently. He’s not looking at his watch with a sigh.
Like a breath of fresh sea morning air, God reminds me that He sees Our POTENTIAL, our future. As long as I keep chugging along, Clinging to HIM for my comfort, it doesn’t matter that I am still a sinner, still failing every single day. Sigh….Just as He promised God so graciously gives me a little more courage, little more of His strength & kind patience each day. Music fills my thoughts these days instead of torment, I can hear each one so clear, & each one is one of my favorites & each has a message, a sweet riddle from my Heavenly Father. Securing me with an everlasting comfort & peace that HE IS dwelling within my soul… And each day He reveals more of His Mosaic that He is creating from all of the broken pieces that have become ME….
He has made everything beautiful in its time. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)