Like a unending rollercoaster, emotions, moods, thoughts, LIES, consume my day. Oh how many Blessed days from the Lord I have wasted. I must pray for forgiveness when I feel that I, AGAIN, have wasted another BLESSED DAY that the LORD has given not only me but my Child.
Then it washes over me like cool spring water “You, do NOT have to be Perfect”. “Quit trying to do everything yourself”.
But how? I love the Lord My GOD with all of my being but I am still a sinner. Every. Day. And guilt weighs me down, shadows the light that is Me, so that I can’t ever seem to shine. My mind always seems blank on ways to set the bags down, worry has always been a very close friend. And to let it go? Like a snap of a finger? My thoughts are like nightmares during the day, then come the nightmares at night.
Emotions so strong I feel that they are suffocating me. Fear, worry, uneasiness consumes my days. Always have.
Yet, the fear isn’t as strong, the worry doesn’t linger as long, and the uneasiness seems to slip away just as fast as it slips in. GLORY BE TO GOD!!! For it is because of HIS marvelous Grace that I am beginning to deal a little better each day with these agonizing emotions.
♥Thank you Father, for your love, mercy & Saving Grace♥
Dear Father in heaven,
I come before you weary and beat down by this long day. Being a mother can be so hard. I often feel helpless and inadequate. Part of me wants to complain, but then I remember the extent to which you were beat down, and I’m struck quiet. I remember that you are the Man of Sorrows and that you understand just how hard life can be. I also remember that you collect all my tears and care about my troubles, trials, and fears.
The Book of Hebrews tells me I can come to you in confidence and find the grace and mercy I need. And so I come to you now to lay all these burdens at your feet. I feel so overwhelmed by the details of life. It seems like I can never get ahead. Just when I clean up one mess, another one pops up somewhere else. Some days I wonder if I’m really cut out for motherhood.
I know I failed to glorify you today. I failed to love as you love me. I failed to extend the grace you’ve given me. Forgive me for striving in my own strength. Forgive me for not finding my complete satisfaction in you and seeking it elsewhere. Each of these failures reminds me of just how much I need a Savior. Today reminds me that I need Jesus more than I did yesterday and that tomorrow I will need him even more.
I’m so thankful that there is so much of you to give. You’re never tired or weary. Even while I sleep, you remain at work. Nothing happens outside your knowledge and will. You’re never stretched beyond what you can handle. And the well of your grace never runs dry.
Because of what Jesus did for me, I ask that you create in me a clean heart. Renew a refreshed spirit within me. Give me gospel strength to get through the day. Open my eyes so that I see your hand at work in the mess of my life. Be my constant in my fluctuating emotions. Keep the gospel ever before me and make it a reality in my daily life as a mother.
I pray that tomorrow you would be with me in all the muck and mire of motherhood. Help me to find my joy in you and not in my circumstances. May I remember that even when it feels otherwise, you are always with me, will never leave me, or forsake me. Tonight I’ll sleep in peace knowing that even when I lose my grip, you never let go of me. And I’ll open my eyes in the morning to find mercy, fresh and new, ready for the taking.
It’s because of Jesus and in Jesus’ name that I pray, amen.
**Originally written by Cristina Fox @ The Gospel Coalition
A broken life is a test of Faith of the Highest order”. ~Anonymous
I have cried out many of times for the pain of my brokenness to stop, that I just couldn’t do it anymore. Each time I had 3 choices, numb the pain (again), pull the trigger/drive off the bridge, Or allow myself to face my pain, fears, & devastation of all that confronted me. My choice always, was to be NUMB.. “I’ll deal later”. Now 12 years laters, I feel every single pain, fear, & the full devastation that I so tried to rid myself of, finally realizing that My Soul is sick. Stomach ulcers from all the pills, and a body that feels plagued by the Flu every. single. day. What is exactly going on inside of me, doctors do not seem to know. To often society as well as the health system, seem so quickly to judge a persons symptoms. HELLO! Sorry, don’t care how many years of “Experience” you may have, YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW I FEEL!!! How petty to tell a single 28 yr. old mother of a toddler that the pain is all in “her head”. Can you say DISMISSED!, Misunderstood! & Alone!!
Yet I have come to see with great clarity God‘s Unfailing love over this past stormy year. Jesus has become my biggest fan, closest companion, & my greatest comfort. And even though the devil of Fear creeps its way into my thoughts more often than not, I cling to Jesus and the thoughts and worries seem to fade.
It saddens me to know I let so much of myself go to others that only abused my heart. So much that I feel like a little girl starting over again in a BIG, Scary world, confused & distraught. Thru tear filled eyes I finally surrender… I close my eyes and pray for Jesus to hold my hand a little tighter, & draw me closer so that I may feel His Presence all around me. And each time, like a child, I fall asleep in peace in my Father’s arms….
When your life is going downhill,
it doesn’t get better just because you want it to.
Nor can you will it to be better.
Your life will only get better when YOU get Better.
I will be the first to admit. People can reeeeally get on my nerve. I feel certain I had to get hit by every branch of the anxiety tree & I have only 1 nerve remaining. I’ve always been on edge, like nails on the chalkboard, everyday. But lately in this quiet season that God has placed in my life, I am trying to give out more smiles. Hey if people insist on staring at my “wild” curly hair, then the least I can do is Knock Em’ off their feet with a ;). As I think about the last few times I have been out & about, it almost seems that more people are smiling at me. I CHOOSE 2 BELIEVE that God sends me “little gifts” of His comfort & reassurance that He is with me every single day. With eyes of better clarity, ears that listen & pay closer attention, & a more quiet tongue, He comes to me in all forms. I submerge myself in His promises, reading is my addiction. Lost in a song is my escape.
My faith just got misplaced because we all make mistakes….You see, I am still me. Still curse when I shouldn’t, & yes I want Another tattoo. I am still a sinner BUT now see with more Clarity, hear with better Discernment, & listen with a more quiet attention.