Don’t know how I got here, how to stay, or where I am going….Like a clock ticks 1 second at a time, my thoughts, emotions consume me…Suffocate me. So distraught from discerning the Holy Spirit from my own thoughts. Must remember that feelings of this kind of emotion DO NOT COME FROM GOD!I don’t want to dwell on these feelings but they must come out. I feel so overwhelmed with all kinds of Emotions sometimes that it feels I can barely breathe. Is this an affliction? A Spiritual Warfare? “Just keep moving Farrah, you will eventually get to where you belong.” Moods like crazy rollercoasters, depression literally runs my life. All because I Let It. I just don’t know how to ignore & be joyful. I truly don’t, so I submerse myself in books and God’s unfailing love and promises. And as another day passes, I realize that because of HIS strength, grace, patience, mercy, comfort & love I have yet made it through another day. Though I still failed at times, thought I felt so weary & worn I could have cried, I made it through another day. Because of My Heavenly Father’s amazing grace & love I drift off to a much needed sleep.
Like a unending rollercoaster, emotions, moods, thoughts, LIES, consume my day. Oh how many Blessed days from the Lord I have wasted. I must pray for forgiveness when I feel that I, AGAIN, have wasted another BLESSED DAY that the LORD has given not only me but my Child.
Then it washes over me like cool spring water “You, do NOT have to be Perfect”. “Quit trying to do everything yourself”.
But how? I love the Lord My GOD with all of my being but I am still a sinner. Every. Day. And guilt weighs me down, shadows the light that is Me, so that I can’t ever seem to shine. My mind always seems blank on ways to set the bags down, worry has always been a very close friend. And to let it go? Like a snap of a finger? My thoughts are like nightmares during the day, then come the nightmares at night.
Emotions so strong I feel that they are suffocating me. Fear, worry, uneasiness consumes my days. Always have.
Yet, the fear isn’t as strong, the worry doesn’t linger as long, and the uneasiness seems to slip away just as fast as it slips in. GLORY BE TO GOD!!! For it is because of HIS marvelous Grace that I am beginning to deal a little better each day with these agonizing emotions.
♥Thank you Father, for your love, mercy & Saving Grace♥
I pray “Lord use me, use my scarred worn weary soul to help others that are hurting”. No I don’t think I have it all figured out, not even close, but lately a sense of “What would JESUS Do?” has come over me, during this very stormy season in my life. Oh I wish people would realize how 1 single word can RIP away at a soul. Abandonment is my #1 enemy, Fear has always been an ever present UNWANTED friend of mine. Thankfully I had a wonderful woman, my great grandmother, that introduced me to my Greatest and Best Friend today, Jesus. 13 years later after her passing, I still miss laying my head on her right arm during church service, too little to understand that she was giving me a very Important SPECIAL GIFT every time I sat on that same pew with her. Every time I asked my great grandfather to read me the story of how Jesus fed thousands with a loaf of bread and a piece of fish, he always obliged. Papa was a quiet man, passing away when I was only 7 years old & the very thing that I remember most about him, he was Always willing to read me that story, it was my favorite. And it was Papa that introduced that story in the Bible to me. I miss them so, I was their little sunshine. First great grandchild, motherless yet It was those days that I felt most loved. For I didn’t really realize at that age that there was ultimately something very different about my life. I was always anxious though, and felt deep within a longing for something, someone….So today I am so very thankful I grew up knowing who Jesus is. Even though I would go on to follow some rough roads, I always remembered Jesus and usually almost always felt a feeling of conviction EVERY SINGLE TIME I knew I was sinning. Oh the times I have strayed from my Father, only to be welcomed with OPEN GRACIOUS LOVING ARMS EVERY SINGLE TIME I came running back with each rock bottom I hit.
Yes GOD is GOOD..ALL THE TIME!!!! Even thru this tornado I have seemed to battle for 6 months, even though I still fail every single day, He loves me. Most of all though, God loves me when I cant seem to love myself.